Dusk - A Play in Three Acts

[Act 1, Scene 1: The corridors of a school. Enter, scene left, Bellcurve Swoon, the delicately calculating boyfriend hunter, not nearly as Normal as she pretends.]

Bellcurve (punching at a calculator): And adding in the day temperature, he should be entering the corridor... NOW!

[Enter scene right, Headbutt Sullen, a grumpy teen, slumping along looking at his feet. Bellcurve moves to position herself in his path. They collide. Headbutt falls.]

Bellcurve (in a high, giggly voice): Oh, Headbutt! This is the first time a boy has fallen for me. [Bats eyelids]

Headbutt (glazed eyes): One - nil for the home team.

Bellcurve: Huh?

[Enter scene right, lots of kids running past, shrieking. The corridor clears, leaving only J. Cobb, the pudgy son of a corn merchant]

J. Cobb (sing-song): Headbutt loves Bellcurve. Headbutt loves Bellcurve.

[Exit scene left, J. Cobb pursued by a yelling Headbutt. Bellcurve faints artistically.]

[Curtain]

[Act 2, Scene 1: The outskirts of a forest. Stage lightning. Enter scene left, J. Cobb, still chanting "Headbutt loves Bellcurve", chased by Headbutt.]

J. Cobb (halting and holding up a hand): Ok, stop! Enough! You're still my buddy, even if this is a vampire love-story.

Headbutt (scratching his head): So, who won? Brazil or Argentina?

J. Cobb: I think it was Switzerland.

Headbutt: NOOOOO! [whips off T-shirt and stamps on it]

[Enter scene right, Bellcurve. Stage lightning]

Bellcurve: It was a dark and stormy night when I ventured into the forest, in the footsteps of my true love.

[Bellcurve sees Headbutts without T-shirt, swoons again]

J. Cobb: Headbutt! She hates Football!

Headbutt (horrified): NOOOOO! [Exit Headbutt].

J. Cobb (rubbing hands, first his, then Bellcurve's): Bellcurve! He loves Football!

Bellcurve (leaps up hissing): Who is she?? I will suck her blood. [Exit Bellcurve]

J. Cobb: MUWAHAHAHA!

[Curtain]

[Act 3, Scene 1. Football stadium, stands full of fans. At centre, J. Cobb and Headbutt, in opposing jerseys, with an empty seat in between. The air is tense. Suddenly all leap up and yell, "GOOOOOAAAAAL"]

J. Cobb: Headbutt! Your team just went down Four - Nil!

Headbutt: Oh! [slumps]

[Sudden whistles off stage. Everybody looks left. Whooshing sound. A girl in black lipstick zooms across the stage. Everybody turns to follow her in slow motion. Yell of "GOOOAAAAAAL". The same thing happens thrice more.]

J. Cobb (horrified): NOOOOO!

Headbutt (slowly): My team drew! [counts fingers] Four - four!

J. Cobb: NOOOOO!

[Enter, stage left, Bellcurve. She sits in the empty seat.]

J. Cobb: It's the girl!

Headbutt: What girl? I love football.

[Bellcurve looks furious. She knocks down Headbutt and bites his neck. Headbutt collapses with open eyes. Bellcurve turns to J. Cobb]

Bellcurve: Hmph. Not much boyfriend material.

J. Cobb (counting points on fingers): Boy. Friendly.

Bellcurve: OK. [Suddenly suspicious] And what about this Football?

J. Cobb: Never! Never! Only you!

[Exit scene left, J. Cobb and Bellcurve, hand in hand. We see J. Cobb with fingers crossed. Suddenly, another cry of "GOOOAAAAAAL"]

J. Cobb: What? No! NOOOOOO!

[Curtain]

I wrote this one for a short-short story contest at the height of the World Cup frenzy, and don't know why I haven't put it here earlier. It's probably the world's shortest 3-act play.

More Six Sigma One-liners

More six-sigma one-liners for the statistically inclined...

When unsure about what to do with the data, use simpler data.

When unsure about what to do with the data, use a giant flowchart.

When unsure about what to do with the data, test it to destruction.

When unsure about what to do with the data, formulate a good hypothesis.
Have plan B ready: formulate an alternate hypothesis, too.
If you are too confident (an alpha person), prepare for errors.

Less than 95% is underconfident.

Hal Varian quote - If you torture the data long enough, it will reveal whatever you want it to show.

Quote from my friend Suri: When unsure about data, get more data till every one is as unsure of it as you are!

Q: If Z is 1.96, what's the risk?
A: Arre beta, it's alpha.

Examples and causes -- ex and why variables.

Why are some variables called 'x' variables?
They are called 'x's' because there is an excess of them....

Equality is a null hypothesis.
Hmm, so is the alternative one-up-manship?

Fault Tree: The sacrificial plant deep in the forest, that takes all the blame.
TIM WOOD knows all about it...

Lean six-sigma: Will soon be 4.5 sigma due to prolonged dieting.

Lean six-sigma (sing to the right tune): what you want, where you want, when you want and how you want it...

Takt time: diplomatically finish things in due time.

Some six-sigma one-liners

These ones are for the statistically or six-sigma inclined people out there.*

Statistics: The art of taking decisions in the face of uncertainty.

In the ongoing battle between Variable data and Attribute data, Variable data is still winning. Yes or no?

Degrees of freedom: They can have any color they want, so long as it is black -- Henry Ford on colors of the Model-T

Normal distributions are all alike; every non-normal distribution is non-normal in its own way. -- Anna Karenina version of distribution functions

Examples and causes -- ex and why variables.

Elitism in causation: some causes are special, some are merely common.

* If you're inclined at 6-sigma, there is only 3.4 chances in a million that you will not be straightened out some time.