एन डी तिवारी की सोच

इस गाने से एन डी तिवारी की सोच समझ आती हैः

तुम लाख छुपाओ बाप मगर
दुनिया को पता चल जाएगा.
लेकिन डर-डर के छुपने से
छुपने का मज़ा तो आएगा!

ND Tiwari's reasoning

This song explains ND Tiwari's reasoning:

Tum lakh chhupaao baap magar,
Duniya ko pataa chal jaayegaaaaaa.
Lekin dar-dar ke chhipne se
Chhipne ka mazaa to aayegaaaaaa.

Dusk - A Play in Three Acts

[Act 1, Scene 1: The corridors of a school. Enter, scene left, Bellcurve Swoon, the delicately calculating boyfriend hunter, not nearly as Normal as she pretends.]

Bellcurve (punching at a calculator): And adding in the day temperature, he should be entering the corridor... NOW!

[Enter scene right, Headbutt Sullen, a grumpy teen, slumping along looking at his feet. Bellcurve moves to position herself in his path. They collide. Headbutt falls.]

Bellcurve (in a high, giggly voice): Oh, Headbutt! This is the first time a boy has fallen for me. [Bats eyelids]

Headbutt (glazed eyes): One - nil for the home team.

Bellcurve: Huh?

[Enter scene right, lots of kids running past, shrieking. The corridor clears, leaving only J. Cobb, the pudgy son of a corn merchant]

J. Cobb (sing-song): Headbutt loves Bellcurve. Headbutt loves Bellcurve.

[Exit scene left, J. Cobb pursued by a yelling Headbutt. Bellcurve faints artistically.]

[Curtain]

[Act 2, Scene 1: The outskirts of a forest. Stage lightning. Enter scene left, J. Cobb, still chanting "Headbutt loves Bellcurve", chased by Headbutt.]

J. Cobb (halting and holding up a hand): Ok, stop! Enough! You're still my buddy, even if this is a vampire love-story.

Headbutt (scratching his head): So, who won? Brazil or Argentina?

J. Cobb: I think it was Switzerland.

Headbutt: NOOOOO! [whips off T-shirt and stamps on it]

[Enter scene right, Bellcurve. Stage lightning]

Bellcurve: It was a dark and stormy night when I ventured into the forest, in the footsteps of my true love.

[Bellcurve sees Headbutts without T-shirt, swoons again]

J. Cobb: Headbutt! She hates Football!

Headbutt (horrified): NOOOOO! [Exit Headbutt].

J. Cobb (rubbing hands, first his, then Bellcurve's): Bellcurve! He loves Football!

Bellcurve (leaps up hissing): Who is she?? I will suck her blood. [Exit Bellcurve]

J. Cobb: MUWAHAHAHA!

[Curtain]

[Act 3, Scene 1. Football stadium, stands full of fans. At centre, J. Cobb and Headbutt, in opposing jerseys, with an empty seat in between. The air is tense. Suddenly all leap up and yell, "GOOOOOAAAAAL"]

J. Cobb: Headbutt! Your team just went down Four - Nil!

Headbutt: Oh! [slumps]

[Sudden whistles off stage. Everybody looks left. Whooshing sound. A girl in black lipstick zooms across the stage. Everybody turns to follow her in slow motion. Yell of "GOOOAAAAAAL". The same thing happens thrice more.]

J. Cobb (horrified): NOOOOO!

Headbutt (slowly): My team drew! [counts fingers] Four - four!

J. Cobb: NOOOOO!

[Enter, stage left, Bellcurve. She sits in the empty seat.]

J. Cobb: It's the girl!

Headbutt: What girl? I love football.

[Bellcurve looks furious. She knocks down Headbutt and bites his neck. Headbutt collapses with open eyes. Bellcurve turns to J. Cobb]

Bellcurve: Hmph. Not much boyfriend material.

J. Cobb (counting points on fingers): Boy. Friendly.

Bellcurve: OK. [Suddenly suspicious] And what about this Football?

J. Cobb: Never! Never! Only you!

[Exit scene left, J. Cobb and Bellcurve, hand in hand. We see J. Cobb with fingers crossed. Suddenly, another cry of "GOOOAAAAAAL"]

J. Cobb: What? No! NOOOOOO!

[Curtain]

I wrote this one for a short-short story contest at the height of the World Cup frenzy, and don't know why I haven't put it here earlier. It's probably the world's shortest 3-act play.

पापा की छत्र छाया में

तरु की शादी करुण से हुई। कुछ सालों बाद उनका एक बेटा हुआ, जिसका नाम उन्होंने सूरज रखा।

क्योंकि वह बहुत गोरा था, धूप में उसे बहुत जलन होती थी। इसलिए, जब भी धूप निकलती, सूरज पापा की छाया में खड़ा हो जाता।

नहीं समझे क्यों?

आसान! गाना याद कीजिये:
"सूरज के जलते हुए तन को मिल जाए तरुवर की छाया!"

Love आज कल का गाना

Love आज कल में जब 'ये दूरियां' वाला गाना शुरू होता है, तो मीरा (दीपिका) अपने मुंह को क्रीम से क्यों पोंछने लगती है?

उसने सोचा की वे गा रहे हैं: 'ये झुर्रियां'

Love aaj kal song

Q: In the movie, when the song 'ये दूरियां' starts, why does Meera (played by Deepika) start wiping her face with cream in front of the mirror?

A: She thought they are singing 'ये झुर्रियां'

Lurk and pounce

The Training folk found that they could not catch any of the Managers for their inputs. So, they implemented a new practice, called 'lurk and pounce', in which they would lurk in the corridors and pounce on any unwary Manager who went past.

Every morning, the Training Head has to choose a person to do the lurking for the day.

When it is the women's turn, nothing spectacular, but when it is the men's turn, she sings out, "Lurky boy, lurky boy. कौन बनेगा मेरा lurky boy?"

Rakhee behen

There was this rich guy with grown up kids.

One fine rakhi, he decided to make his neighbour his राखी बहन.

Now, the guy is supposed to give his sister a gift, so he gave her a house and half the जायदाद.

His kids were obviously very unhappy. They zoom down to their neighbour and express their frustration by way of song, हिन्दी फिलम इश्टाइल:

"खुदा जाने मैं खफा हूँ!खुदा जाने -- मैं मिट गया!खुदा जाने मैं खफा हूँ!की बन गयी हो तुम मेरी बुआ...."

This is the best thing that came out of watching that truly horrible movie, except the one below, which is a modification of one that one of my fellow punsters came out with:
What happens when a gaggle of dieting teenagers eats only light food?पचना ऐ हसीनों

Lyrics inspired by Rock On

Since Aditya was such a 'Great Poet', I feel no shame in following in his footsteps. Here is my contribution to immortal Bollywood lyrics:

यह पानी इतना गीला क्यों?
सांप इतना ज़हरीला क्यों?
यह popcorn सीला सीला क्यों?

ऐसे ख़याल हमे आते क्यों?
बे-तुके गाने गाते क्यों?
दूसरों को सताते क्यों?

Movie में इतने ad क्यों?
यह lyrics इतने bad क्यों?
हम सब इतने sad क्यों?

A friend (MS) and I composed these lyrics on the spot in the first 5 minutes of the interval. How tough can it be to be a genius, anyway?

MCD aur Traffic Jam ki love story

MCD और Traffic Jam को love हो गया.
But, of course, this was a big secret.

One day, Traffic Jam reads in the paper that MCD 's माई-बाप (Delhi सरकार--you know) has declared that with the new flyovers being set up, there will be no more traffic jams.

Traffic Jam is very upset. Goes running and jumping to MCD and demands to know यह क्या हो रहा है?

MCD even more upset. मेरे सच्चे प्यार पे शक किया जा रहा है??

MCD ने कसम खाई, गाना गा के:
"तेरे बिन जी मेरा लागे कहीं ना।
तेरे बिन दिल मेरा लागे कहीं ना।
चार दिनों में,
सज्जा क्या खब्बा,*
लम्बी खुदाई... लम्बी खुदाई."

*Translation: These are Panjabi words: सज्जा means right, खब्बा means left.
MCD is the Municipal Corporation of Delhi.