Rebate

What is it called if you get tempted by a discount on a mousetrap, and then get a second discount as well?

A rebait.

Good acting

 Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are considered to be fairly good actors.

Why?

Simple.

They are not the Pitts.

Getting all charged up

Can roof-mounted solar panels on army vehicles be called

The Charge of the Light Brigade?

A secret of Nandi statues

हर मंदिर में नंदी की मूर्ति के गले में घंटी क्यों होती है?

सिंपल. क्योंकि ही इज़ द डोर बैल.

Deftnition

Lockdown violence

An innocent boy reporter is placed under lockdown.
Gratuitous violence ensues.

His name?

Tintin Quarantino.

Even the Mayans knew

Even the ancient Mayan civilisation knew...

If you were a poet and had a pauah, you would be tunn...

(Just look at their god of scribes)

[Pauah is Hindi for a quarter, tunn is totally drunk]

Deftnition - legal terms

Locust standi

When a lot of people claim personal damage and swarm to file criminal cases all over the country to get at a particular person.

Example: Sanal Edamaruku

ABC of branding

Sometimes, slaves of brands get it subtly wrong

अभी इनको क्या कहें?

Deftnition

What do you call transsexual women?

Ex-men.

The trees on the side of the hills

There is this forest of oaks that grows in a hilly region.

Now, here's the thing: the trees on top of the hills, they grow pretty fast.
The trees at the bottom of the hill, down in the valley, they grow less fast, but still, fast.
The trees on the sides, though, have the slowest growth rates.

Why?

Simple.

They are slope oaks.

Deftnition

Deftnition: a daffy, deft definition

Overwhew

(o-ver-wh-ee-u, usually said with a great sigh)

n. The relief expressed at finally finding the summary.

A great many people in offices panic when the boss wants a summary which they were dead sure they made and sent to the boss at least 10 days ago, but the email seems to have been lost.

Deftnitions

Deftnitions aka daffy, deft definitions, continued...

Celeberation

(se-le-bee-ray-sh'n)

n. Calling all employees for a celebration of achievements, and then using the occasion to berate them for not doing as well as the boss really wanted them to.

This is common in all offices, particularly in the annual conferences!

What illness does a calligrapher fear?

Art writis.

Windows' next version

Overheard in a college:

DM: How come Windows' next version is 10? Can't they count? The last version was 8.

RC: DM, don't you know? 7 8 9...!

DM: That actually makes sense.

UC: It's weird how much sense that makes.

Thanks, guys, for letting me use your joke!

Kneading machine

There was a young woman who got married. Her parents decided to gift her a dough-making machine.

However, her in-laws would have none of it, and promptly returned the machine to her parents.

"We don't believe in taking any dough-ry," said her father-in-law huffily.

"Yes," added her mother-in-law. "We have no knead for these things."

Election time

Thanks to the Supreme Court, 'note' in elections will be replaced by NOTA.

World famous martial artist

There was this young man somewhere in China, who decided to become a martial arts specialist, and learned a lot of kung fu. He started from the basics and proceeded onward. Now, learning martial arts means you get knocked here and there and usually go limping home after every lesson.

Eventually, he learned enough that he felt confident of going out and performing in public, even trying for roles in cinema.

Unfortunately, they said they could not pronounce his Chinese name correctly, and he would have to take a name the rest of the world could speak without mangling it.

He thought back to his old student days and suggested a name based on his state in those days.

And that is how we all got to see kung fu movies starring Bruised Lee.

Snooty musicians

There was this big band of musicians. It was very big. They had two lead guitarists, one piano player, one bass guitarist, three violinists, one flautist, two drummers, two keyboardists, a cello player,  three lead singers, a 20-member chorus, four electrical engineers, a sound engineer, three light specialists, a laser specialist, a caterer, a band manager, all the way down to a guy whose job was to keep tuning the various instruments and dusting them daily.

Now, one day, this band went to Mumbai by train, because it's difficult to carry large instruments in the plane. When they got off at the station, there was a whole convoy of vehicles waiting for them: three tempos and a truck for their instruments, 14 Maruti 800 taxis and one new gold coloured SUV, all neatly polished and shiny.

But only the juniormost guy, the one who did the tuning, got into the SUV. All the band members and most of the senior staff got into the taxis after that, stuffing themselves in somehow or the other.

The travel agent was most upset and asked them why they were so snooty.

They protested in one voice that they were nothing of the sort.

Then why was that one poor guy isolated on his own?

They patiently explained to the travel agent, who they were now convinced was quite an illiterate guy, that they did not enter the SUV because it was written on the vehicle: FOR TUNER. Duh.

जग

एक नटखट लड़की रसोई में बर्तन ढूँढते हुए तंग आ गई और उसने अपनी माँ को आवाज़ दी - "मम्मी! जग कहाँ है? मैं तो उसे जग-जग ढूँढ चुकी हूँ."

मम्मी भी कुछ कम नहीं - "पहले जग तो जा, बेटी, तभी तो मिलेगा!"


Thanks to AD and VR for letting me include their joke here. :)