Kneading machine

There was a young woman who got married. Her parents decided to gift her a dough-making machine.

However, her in-laws would have none of it, and promptly returned the machine to her parents.

"We don't believe in taking any dough-ry," said her father-in-law huffily.

"Yes," added her mother-in-law. "We have no knead for these things."

ढंग का खाना

माँ, बेटे से: दाल ढंग से खा ली, बेटा?

बेटा, माँ से: नहीं, चम्मच से खाई थी.

International dessert

"Name an international dessert."

"Simple! Global jamun."

Marketing a new beer

A beer company decided to make a new beer, very modern and non-traditional. They looked at all the ingredients, and decided to keep with malted barley and water, but do away with hops, because the hops they used were very bitter.

The new beer proved to be much healthier, and they were confident that they had a winner on their hands.

However, after the new beer launched, it completely bombed in the market.

Why?

Customers said it was completely hopless.

New web portal for mathematicians

The web portal for mathematicians has recently been revamped. Now the interface is more natural and intuitive. So you don't necessarily have to log in any more.

You can also ln in.

....

The section for trigonometricists has been upgraded, too. While most of it is open to all, some sections require you to sine in.

For example, the Financial section now gives you loans. Depending on the amount, you may need someone to cosine your application as guarantor.

The Travel section offers you nice summer packages in the Southern Hemisphere in the coming months, where you can get a nice tan.

Some of these are really cheap, but they don't have beds. They only have cots.

Lastly, the World Clock application allows you to see two time zones at the same time. It not only shows you all the secs, but the cosecs as well.

....

For other mathematicians, the Finance section has loans. This month's special is targeted at Indian mathematicians. This is a special loan in British currency, which requires them to pay less than they borrowed. It is called the Com-pound (कम-pound) Interest Loan. (I suspect there are hidden costs.)

....

There is a bakery that sells special mathematical foods online with special discounts for mathematicians coming from the portal.

You can get a simple Pi, or you can get the Equation special, which is twice the weight, since it is the Expansion of Pi.

Cylindrical cakes with square tops and etched icing are sold by volume, not weight. These are called Pi R-square Etch.

....

Then, there is the Entertainment section, which has just finished showing the Matrix movies, and is the only website to advertise the three together as The Matrices. (You can also get a good discount if you are really determinant.)

It is currently running the new late-night horror series with thin actors called Boo-lean Alge-bra. It's not suitable for kids. You really don't want to know what happened to Alge's underwear.

आज का खाना

आज दफतर में दोपहर के खाने के लिए जब कैन्टीन गए, तो देखा कि सब लोग रोटी-सब्जी खा रहे थे, पर मेघा केवल आम खा रही थी। मुँह से निकला: "रोज़ तो मेघा ख़ास खाना खाती है, आज वह आम खाना खा रही है..."

Vegetarian shark

What does a vegetarian shark eat?

Lady's fingers!

-----

My friend, AS, read this, and gave a different answer:

What does a vegetarian shark eat?

Sharkahari food!

Why you should avoid 2-minute noodles

Q: Why should you avoid 2-minute noodles?
A: Because they Maggify your hunger.

Hide and Seek biscuits

Q: In which city are Hide and Seek (chocolate chip) biscuits most popular?

A: Simple!
In the twin cities of Hyderabad and Seekunderabad.

The Patriotic Boy's Hunger - Part 2

And what does the patriotic, modern, city boy say to his mother when she gives him two buns?


...


...?


...


Simple: "One दे, मातरम!"

The Patriotic Boy's Hunger - Part 1

What does the patriotic, modern, Kolkata city boy say to his mother when he feels hungry?


...


...?


...


"Bun दे, मातरम!"

देशभक्त की भूख - Part 2

और अगर उस आधुनिक, शहरी, देशभक्त लड़के की माँ उसे दो bun देती है, तब वह क्या कहता है?

...


...?


...


"One दे, मातरम!"

देशभक्त की भूख - part 1

अगर एक आधुनिक, शहरी, देशभक्त लड़के को भूख लगती है, तो वह अपनी माँ से क्या कहता है?

...


...?


...


"Bun दे, मातरम!"

At the canteen counter

If people come and deposit uneaten food back at the canteen counter, what is going on?


Think.


Think more.


Give up?


It's obvious:


The canteen is getting feed back.

Next movie in the Sarkar series

So, you've seen the movies Sarkar and Sarkar Raj, and you are looking forward to the next one?

Lucky you! We have a special sneak preview for you!

The next movie in the series is called Cheekoo Sarkar.
Because (you guessed it) चीकू is the next सरकार.
The movie has a very tense political issue as its background.
There is a border issue between Maharashtra and Karnataka, with orchard owners in both states girding up for price wars (and other wars).
चीकू develops as the big नेता in this issue, which is an amazing surprise (the actor can't act for nuts), and the more so as he is on the Bengaluru side of the border (amazing twist in the story! audience will love it!)


So, here's the question for you: how come he can become a big नेता without his grandfather's support--and remember, his grandpa lives and dies for Maharashtra?


Obvious.
In Kannada, a चीकू is a सपोटा, and obviously, श्री चीकू has lots and lots of sapotas.


Yesss! I outdid myself this time. A tri-lingual pun, yet!

Rainy day holiday

One day, it rained butter-toast.
People went running and jumping to the Chief Minister and asked her to declare a holiday.
"This is part of our election promises," she said. "No holiday."

A day or so later, it rained आलू पराठा.
Again, she said it was meeting the promise of रोटी, so no holiday.

Then it rained oats and bran.
Still no holiday.

After a bit, it rained cornflakes, wheat flakes, nuts and dried fruit.
Immediately, the CM asked this to be announced.
"आज सभी स्कूल और सरकारी दफ्तर बंद होंगे, क्योंकि आज muesli-धार बारिश हुई है."

The first two times I told this joke, it flopped. The first person did not know the word मूसलाधार, and the second did not know what muesli is. :-(

Eating out

Ever noticed that people who go to a restaurant all spontaneous and unplanned are more confident than people who have a table booked?

It's because people who have a table booked ... have reservations.

Yoghurt for success

Milk, tea and yoghurt are served in the cafe.

Milk and tea are kept in the back, but yoghurt is kept in the front.

Why?

Because... उस की setting है.

ST adds:
When do you have yoghurt?
When you do yoga and it hurts.

Zeera chaunk dal

Wife asks husband: Why aren't you eating the दाल?
Fussy husband: तुम ने उस में जीरा डाला है.
Wife: जीरा ही तो है, मर रहा थोड़े ही न है.

So what is the search engine for cooks (courtesy my friend SB)?
Noodle! I'm peeling लौकी

Glutton Buddhu strikes again

Glutton Buddhu looks around the table, dining table, obviously. Too many delicious things to eat. Hmm, why wasn't I born a cow? They have 4 stomachs.

"Mom? What of this stuff am I eligible to eat?"

Mom: "Anything."

Glutton B (ecstatic): "Anything?!"

Mom (waking up): "Anything not already on someone else's plate."

Now we know how Glutton B got to be that way.