Acid comments

Once there was a couple who lived away from major and minor settlements, in fact, bluntly, they lived in the jungle.

Over time, they started getting really famous for holiness, of all things. This seemed strange at first, since they were invariable short, snappish and downright vinegarish in speaking to any visitors or passersby.

However, as the people in the nearest village pointed out while they feverishly constructed a vast commercial sanyasi ashram complex to capitalise on the growing reputation, you knew how holy they were when you realised they were full of ascetic acid, and how wise and brainy they were, because, as they said, "यह सब सिरका कमाल है."

Jeans

एक बच्चा इसे देख कर बोल उठा, "मम्मी, मम्मी, मुझे यही jeans चाहिए!"
मम्मी बेचारी देख कर बड़बड़ाई, "क्या बीमारी है!"


(यह फोटो कानपुर में खींची है.)

True and false friends

One of the people I follow on Buzz posted this:

A true friend sees the first tear, catches the second, and stops the third.

That got me thinking:

A false friend sees the first tear, photographs the second, and posts the video of the third on YouTube.

International dessert

"Name an international dessert."

"Simple! Global jamun."

मेहनत

एक ढीला आदमी था। काफी ढीला था। और ऊपर से शेखियां अलग बधारता था।

इत्तिफ़ाक़ से उसकी शादी एक ऐसी औरत से हुई जिसके कई मेहनती भाई थे। तो उसका काम चलता रहा। भाई लोग उन दोनों के लिय बहुत कुछ कर देते थे।

एक बार उसने भाइयों को ऐसा फुसलाया कि उन्होंने उन दोनों के लिए एक आलीशान घर खड़ा कर दिया।

जब लोगों ने उसे बधाई दी, तो उसने विनम्र स्वभाव दिखाया और कहा : "हाँ, कई सालों की मेहनत से बनाया है..."

Marketing a new beer

A beer company decided to make a new beer, very modern and non-traditional. They looked at all the ingredients, and decided to keep with malted barley and water, but do away with hops, because the hops they used were very bitter.

The new beer proved to be much healthier, and they were confident that they had a winner on their hands.

However, after the new beer launched, it completely bombed in the market.

Why?

Customers said it was completely hopless.

New web portal for mathematicians

The web portal for mathematicians has recently been revamped. Now the interface is more natural and intuitive. So you don't necessarily have to log in any more.

You can also ln in.

....

The section for trigonometricists has been upgraded, too. While most of it is open to all, some sections require you to sine in.

For example, the Financial section now gives you loans. Depending on the amount, you may need someone to cosine your application as guarantor.

The Travel section offers you nice summer packages in the Southern Hemisphere in the coming months, where you can get a nice tan.

Some of these are really cheap, but they don't have beds. They only have cots.

Lastly, the World Clock application allows you to see two time zones at the same time. It not only shows you all the secs, but the cosecs as well.

....

For other mathematicians, the Finance section has loans. This month's special is targeted at Indian mathematicians. This is a special loan in British currency, which requires them to pay less than they borrowed. It is called the Com-pound (कम-pound) Interest Loan. (I suspect there are hidden costs.)

....

There is a bakery that sells special mathematical foods online with special discounts for mathematicians coming from the portal.

You can get a simple Pi, or you can get the Equation special, which is twice the weight, since it is the Expansion of Pi.

Cylindrical cakes with square tops and etched icing are sold by volume, not weight. These are called Pi R-square Etch.

....

Then, there is the Entertainment section, which has just finished showing the Matrix movies, and is the only website to advertise the three together as The Matrices. (You can also get a good discount if you are really determinant.)

It is currently running the new late-night horror series with thin actors called Boo-lean Alge-bra. It's not suitable for kids. You really don't want to know what happened to Alge's underwear.

Why Kalmadi?

In Kannada, 'madi' means 'do'.

So what were they thinking when they gave the job of completing the CWG preparations to someone named Kal-madi?

Kalmadi at the CWG

Britain's Princess Diana may have died in a car crash in 1997, but New Delhi Commonwealth Games supremo Suresh Kalmadi thanked her for being at the opening ceremony on Tuesday - TOI

We need Dope testing for the organisers...

Dusk - A Play in Three Acts

[Act 1, Scene 1: The corridors of a school. Enter, scene left, Bellcurve Swoon, the delicately calculating boyfriend hunter, not nearly as Normal as she pretends.]

Bellcurve (punching at a calculator): And adding in the day temperature, he should be entering the corridor... NOW!

[Enter scene right, Headbutt Sullen, a grumpy teen, slumping along looking at his feet. Bellcurve moves to position herself in his path. They collide. Headbutt falls.]

Bellcurve (in a high, giggly voice): Oh, Headbutt! This is the first time a boy has fallen for me. [Bats eyelids]

Headbutt (glazed eyes): One - nil for the home team.

Bellcurve: Huh?

[Enter scene right, lots of kids running past, shrieking. The corridor clears, leaving only J. Cobb, the pudgy son of a corn merchant]

J. Cobb (sing-song): Headbutt loves Bellcurve. Headbutt loves Bellcurve.

[Exit scene left, J. Cobb pursued by a yelling Headbutt. Bellcurve faints artistically.]

[Curtain]

[Act 2, Scene 1: The outskirts of a forest. Stage lightning. Enter scene left, J. Cobb, still chanting "Headbutt loves Bellcurve", chased by Headbutt.]

J. Cobb (halting and holding up a hand): Ok, stop! Enough! You're still my buddy, even if this is a vampire love-story.

Headbutt (scratching his head): So, who won? Brazil or Argentina?

J. Cobb: I think it was Switzerland.

Headbutt: NOOOOO! [whips off T-shirt and stamps on it]

[Enter scene right, Bellcurve. Stage lightning]

Bellcurve: It was a dark and stormy night when I ventured into the forest, in the footsteps of my true love.

[Bellcurve sees Headbutts without T-shirt, swoons again]

J. Cobb: Headbutt! She hates Football!

Headbutt (horrified): NOOOOO! [Exit Headbutt].

J. Cobb (rubbing hands, first his, then Bellcurve's): Bellcurve! He loves Football!

Bellcurve (leaps up hissing): Who is she?? I will suck her blood. [Exit Bellcurve]

J. Cobb: MUWAHAHAHA!

[Curtain]

[Act 3, Scene 1. Football stadium, stands full of fans. At centre, J. Cobb and Headbutt, in opposing jerseys, with an empty seat in between. The air is tense. Suddenly all leap up and yell, "GOOOOOAAAAAL"]

J. Cobb: Headbutt! Your team just went down Four - Nil!

Headbutt: Oh! [slumps]

[Sudden whistles off stage. Everybody looks left. Whooshing sound. A girl in black lipstick zooms across the stage. Everybody turns to follow her in slow motion. Yell of "GOOOAAAAAAL". The same thing happens thrice more.]

J. Cobb (horrified): NOOOOO!

Headbutt (slowly): My team drew! [counts fingers] Four - four!

J. Cobb: NOOOOO!

[Enter, stage left, Bellcurve. She sits in the empty seat.]

J. Cobb: It's the girl!

Headbutt: What girl? I love football.

[Bellcurve looks furious. She knocks down Headbutt and bites his neck. Headbutt collapses with open eyes. Bellcurve turns to J. Cobb]

Bellcurve: Hmph. Not much boyfriend material.

J. Cobb (counting points on fingers): Boy. Friendly.

Bellcurve: OK. [Suddenly suspicious] And what about this Football?

J. Cobb: Never! Never! Only you!

[Exit scene left, J. Cobb and Bellcurve, hand in hand. We see J. Cobb with fingers crossed. Suddenly, another cry of "GOOOAAAAAAL"]

J. Cobb: What? No! NOOOOOO!

[Curtain]

I wrote this one for a short-short story contest at the height of the World Cup frenzy, and don't know why I haven't put it here earlier. It's probably the world's shortest 3-act play.