More Six Sigma One-liners

More six-sigma one-liners for the statistically inclined...

When unsure about what to do with the data, use simpler data.

When unsure about what to do with the data, use a giant flowchart.

When unsure about what to do with the data, test it to destruction.

When unsure about what to do with the data, formulate a good hypothesis.
Have plan B ready: formulate an alternate hypothesis, too.
If you are too confident (an alpha person), prepare for errors.

Less than 95% is underconfident.

Hal Varian quote - If you torture the data long enough, it will reveal whatever you want it to show.

Quote from my friend Suri: When unsure about data, get more data till every one is as unsure of it as you are!

Q: If Z is 1.96, what's the risk?
A: Arre beta, it's alpha.

Examples and causes -- ex and why variables.

Why are some variables called 'x' variables?
They are called 'x's' because there is an excess of them....

Equality is a null hypothesis.
Hmm, so is the alternative one-up-manship?

Fault Tree: The sacrificial plant deep in the forest, that takes all the blame.
TIM WOOD knows all about it...

Lean six-sigma: Will soon be 4.5 sigma due to prolonged dieting.

Lean six-sigma (sing to the right tune): what you want, where you want, when you want and how you want it...

Takt time: diplomatically finish things in due time.

Late for meetings

What do you say if someone calls to say they will be late for a meeting?

See you later.

Waking up kids

Mother: Wake up, son.
Son: Mmm.
Mother: Are you awake, son?
Son: Mm-mm.
Mother, in sing-song voice: If you're awake, son, show me some open eyes.
Son (eyes tightly shut), muttering: There's a mirror on the wall there...

Some six-sigma one-liners

These ones are for the statistically or six-sigma inclined people out there.*

Statistics: The art of taking decisions in the face of uncertainty.

In the ongoing battle between Variable data and Attribute data, Variable data is still winning. Yes or no?

Degrees of freedom: They can have any color they want, so long as it is black -- Henry Ford on colors of the Model-T

Normal distributions are all alike; every non-normal distribution is non-normal in its own way. -- Anna Karenina version of distribution functions

Examples and causes -- ex and why variables.

Elitism in causation: some causes are special, some are merely common.

* If you're inclined at 6-sigma, there is only 3.4 chances in a million that you will not be straightened out some time.

बच्चों को जगाना

माँ (बच्चे से): उठो, बेटा।
बेटा: हूँ
माँ: उठो बेटा।
बेटा: ऊँहूँ
माँ: उठ गया, बेटा?
बेटा: हूँ
माँ: उठ गया तो ज़रा खुली आँखें दिखा
बेटा (आँखें कसके बंद की हुई): दीवार पर आईना है न, देख लो...

मेरे पैसे ... !

"हाय! हाय! मेरे पैसे डूब गए!"

"कहाँ डाले थे?"

"विदेश में।"

"अरे, कौन से देश में?"

"दुबई।"

"ले, यह तो नाम से ही सावधान होना चाहिए था!"

"???"

"और क्या--वहां नकद डूबाई जाती है..."

Weeping investor

"Oh, oh, oh! I lost all my money!"

"Where did you put it?"

"In a foreign country with high growth."

"Which one?"

"Dubai."

"Ha! You should have known from the name."

"From the name??"

"Ya, you know, paisa doobaye..."

पापा की छत्र छाया में

तरु की शादी करुण से हुई। कुछ सालों बाद उनका एक बेटा हुआ, जिसका नाम उन्होंने सूरज रखा।

क्योंकि वह बहुत गोरा था, धूप में उसे बहुत जलन होती थी। इसलिए, जब भी धूप निकलती, सूरज पापा की छाया में खड़ा हो जाता।

नहीं समझे क्यों?

आसान! गाना याद कीजिये:
"सूरज के जलते हुए तन को मिल जाए तरुवर की छाया!"

A day at the mobile anti-beggary court

While the High Court considers whether beggary is in fact criminal behaviour, two mobile courts in Delhi continue to try vagrants and beggars in an attempt to show a more prosperous face in time for the Commonwealth Games.

At one of these courts, the police produced a donkey who was found wandering without a fixed destination.

"Clearly, a vagrant and beggar! Jail him!"

Next, two goats were produced in court, accused of tinkling their neck bells and trying to look cute.

"Guilty! Jail for them!"

Three cats who were playing musical instruments at traffic lights were next up, and the police were getting more confident.

"Beggars! Off to jail!"

Finally, in the last case of the day, 6 chickens were produced, along with witnesses who had heard them asking for money from passers-by. The police were ready to pack up for the day with a clean sweep.

"Not guilty! Release them."

Pandemonium. The public prosecutor rushed up, wringing her hands. "But why?"

"Beggars can't be चूजा s!"

When managers cannot delegate

"I wonder what do managers do when they cannot delegate work."

"Oh, it is simple. If they cannot Delhi Gate, they can Kashmiri Gate."