So, here's one of those imponderable questions:
Why are those things at the ends of your legs called पैर?
Think
Go on
सोचो, भाई, सोचो
No?
Obvious!
There are two of them.
Ok, for those who still didn't get it, two of anything is called a 'pair'.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Two heads
Why are two heads better than one?
This is one of my all-time favourites.
Because जब head एक होता है, तो बहुत दर्द होती है.
This is one of my all-time favourites.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Lurk and pounce
The Training folk found that they could not catch any of the Managers for their inputs. So, they implemented a new practice, called 'lurk and pounce', in which they would lurk in the corridors and pounce on any unwary Manager who went past.
Every morning, the Training Head has to choose a person to do the lurking for the day.
When it is the women's turn, nothing spectacular, but when it is the men's turn, she sings out, "Lurky boy, lurky boy. कौन बनेगा मेरा lurky boy?"
Every morning, the Training Head has to choose a person to do the lurking for the day.
When it is the women's turn, nothing spectacular, but when it is the men's turn, she sings out, "Lurky boy, lurky boy. कौन बनेगा मेरा lurky boy?"
Pessimist's philosophy
The glass is not only half-empty, but evaporation will take care of the rest.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Rainy day holiday
One day, it rained butter-toast.
People went running and jumping to the Chief Minister and asked her to declare a holiday.
"This is part of our election promises," she said. "No holiday."
A day or so later, it rained आलू पराठा.
Again, she said it was meeting the promise of रोटी, so no holiday.
Then it rained oats and bran.
Still no holiday.
After a bit, it rained cornflakes, wheat flakes, nuts and dried fruit.
Immediately, the CM asked this to be announced.
"आज सभी स्कूल और सरकारी दफ्तर बंद होंगे, क्योंकि आज muesli-धार बारिश हुई है."
The first two times I told this joke, it flopped. The first person did not know the word मूसलाधार, and the second did not know what muesli is. :-(
People went running and jumping to the Chief Minister and asked her to declare a holiday.
"This is part of our election promises," she said. "No holiday."
A day or so later, it rained आलू पराठा.
Again, she said it was meeting the promise of रोटी, so no holiday.
Then it rained oats and bran.
Still no holiday.
After a bit, it rained cornflakes, wheat flakes, nuts and dried fruit.
Immediately, the CM asked this to be announced.
"आज सभी स्कूल और सरकारी दफ्तर बंद होंगे, क्योंकि आज muesli-धार बारिश हुई है."
The first two times I told this joke, it flopped. The first person did not know the word मूसलाधार, and the second did not know what muesli is. :-(
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Another sure shot TV show
So, there was another attempt by the TV industry to have a sure-shot show. This time, they came up with a horror show, calls Parts of the Body.
In each episode, the horror used to come from one part of the body having an independent existence. First, they picturised one in which people's feet started developing eyes and taking them where they did not want to go.
Then it was the turn of the noses. Very pert they turned out to be.
Then tongues. I won't describe that, too slimy.
Then backs which used to explode, Alien-style.
Then they had one with arms doing weird things, like turning the hands and strangling the people dead.
This one was not allowed by the Censor Board.
Because it glorified terror wrists.
In each episode, the horror used to come from one part of the body having an independent existence. First, they picturised one in which people's feet started developing eyes and taking them where they did not want to go.
Then it was the turn of the noses. Very pert they turned out to be.
Then tongues. I won't describe that, too slimy.
Then backs which used to explode, Alien-style.
Then they had one with arms doing weird things, like turning the hands and strangling the people dead.
This one was not allowed by the Censor Board.
Because it glorified terror wrists.
Fight club
The police broke up a fight club with very violent and gruesome fights. All the members were hauled up in court.
Ramesh used to bring cocks. Jailed for 2 years.
Suresh used to bring dogs. Jailed for 3 years.
Paramjeet used to bring wrestlers. Jailed for 10 years.
Saeed used to bring vagabonds. Jailed for 10 years.
Walter used to bring hooligans. Jailed for 12 years.
Unnikrishnan used to bring teenagers. Jailed for 15 years. RI.
Sartod used to bring dwarfs. Acquitted.
Why?
Guess.
Go on.
Try again.
One last time.
Don't know?
It's obvious.
He had बौना fight intentions.
Ramesh used to bring cocks. Jailed for 2 years.
Suresh used to bring dogs. Jailed for 3 years.
Paramjeet used to bring wrestlers. Jailed for 10 years.
Saeed used to bring vagabonds. Jailed for 10 years.
Walter used to bring hooligans. Jailed for 12 years.
Unnikrishnan used to bring teenagers. Jailed for 15 years. RI.
Sartod used to bring dwarfs. Acquitted.
Why?
Guess.
Go on.
Try again.
One last time.
Don't know?
It's obvious.
He had बौना fight intentions.
Groomed to failure
All kinds of marketing campaigns succeed: TVs, cellphones, cars, food, shoes, clothes, soft drinks, you name it.
But marketing campaigns for shampoos always fail.
Why?
Because in the fine print, they always write:
"Perms and conditioners apply."
But marketing campaigns for shampoos always fail.
Why?
Because in the fine print, they always write:
"Perms and conditioners apply."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
What's with the large font?
Anybody who's been coming to this blog regularly (ha!) would have seen the slow mutation in font size (yes, it percolated to old posts, too).
Well, folks, this is the biggest it's going to get.
Why?
Some older folks who read the blog complained that the font size was too tiny. Since their average age was under 20, I guess the rest of the world would face problems too.
Not that I minded the font size. I have a microscope.
Oh, you meant: why will it not get bigger?
Simple. Blogger wants to cut me down to size.
What do you know? I'm important to large corporations... :o)
Well, folks, this is the biggest it's going to get.
Why?
Some older folks who read the blog complained that the font size was too tiny. Since their average age was under 20, I guess the rest of the world would face problems too.
Not that I minded the font size. I have a microscope.
Oh, you meant: why will it not get bigger?
Simple. Blogger wants to cut me down to size.
What do you know? I'm important to large corporations... :o)
Eating out
Ever noticed that people who go to a restaurant all spontaneous and unplanned are more confident than people who have a table booked?
It's because people who have a table booked ... have reservations.
It's because people who have a table booked ... have reservations.
Yoghurt for success
Milk, tea and yoghurt are served in the cafe.
Milk and tea are kept in the back, but yoghurt is kept in the front.
Why?
Because... उस की setting है.
ST adds:
When do you have yoghurt?
When you do yoga and it hurts.
Milk and tea are kept in the back, but yoghurt is kept in the front.
Why?
Because... उस की setting है.
ST adds:
When do you have yoghurt?
When you do yoga and it hurts.
Zeera chaunk dal
Wife asks husband: Why aren't you eating the दाल?
Fussy husband: तुम ने उस में जीरा डाला है.
Wife: जीरा ही तो है, मर रहा थोड़े ही न है.
So what is the search engine for cooks (courtesy my friend SB)?
Noodle! I'm peeling लौकी
Fussy husband: तुम ने उस में जीरा डाला है.
Wife: जीरा ही तो है, मर रहा थोड़े ही न है.
So what is the search engine for cooks (courtesy my friend SB)?
Noodle! I'm peeling लौकी
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Glutton Buddhu strikes again
Glutton Buddhu looks around the table, dining table, obviously. Too many delicious things to eat. Hmm, why wasn't I born a cow? They have 4 stomachs.
"Mom? What of this stuff am I eligible to eat?"
Mom: "Anything."
Glutton B (ecstatic): "Anything?!"
Mom (waking up): "Anything not already on someone else's plate."
Now we know how Glutton B got to be that way.
"Mom? What of this stuff am I eligible to eat?"
Mom: "Anything."
Glutton B (ecstatic): "Anything?!"
Mom (waking up): "Anything not already on someone else's plate."
Now we know how Glutton B got to be that way.
The sure-fire guaranteed hit TV program
The TV channels, faced with declining TRPs all around, came up with a sure-fire guaranteed hit program: a beauty contest for only film industry people!
So, the participants came on screen one by one: Aishwarya, Kareena, Katrina, Preity, Rani, Bipasha, Lata Mangeshkar, Priyanka, Sush...
"Wait a minute," they exclaimed. "What's Lata doing here?"
They tried to hustle her out, but she stuck to her guns. "I'm from the film industry. You said film industry people."
Finally they had to let her in to compete.
Finally, it was SMS time. Zillions of votes poured in.
Annnnnnnd, the winner is.....
Lata Mangeshkar!
Ok, you guessed that. Now tell me why.
Guess
Go on
Try again
Give up?
It's obvious:
Sing is king.
So, the participants came on screen one by one: Aishwarya, Kareena, Katrina, Preity, Rani, Bipasha, Lata Mangeshkar, Priyanka, Sush...
"Wait a minute," they exclaimed. "What's Lata doing here?"
They tried to hustle her out, but she stuck to her guns. "I'm from the film industry. You said film industry people."
Finally they had to let her in to compete.
Finally, it was SMS time. Zillions of votes poured in.
Annnnnnnd, the winner is.....
Lata Mangeshkar!
Ok, you guessed that. Now tell me why.
Guess
Go on
Try again
Give up?
It's obvious:
Sing is king.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
See you with
She: Wake up and see my pretty dress.
He (sleepy): Hand me my specs.
She: Ooh! You want to see me in my pretty dress with your specs?
He: I'd rather see you with Bill Gates or George Bush, but this is all I have.
Another overheard one.
He (sleepy): Hand me my specs.
She: Ooh! You want to see me in my pretty dress with your specs?
He: I'd rather see you with Bill Gates or George Bush, but this is all I have.
Another overheard one.
Rakhee behen
There was this rich guy with grown up kids.
One fine rakhi, he decided to make his neighbour his राखी बहन.
Now, the guy is supposed to give his sister a gift, so he gave her a house and half the जायदाद.
His kids were obviously very unhappy. They zoom down to their neighbour and express their frustration by way of song, हिन्दी फिलम इश्टाइल:
"खुदा जाने मैं खफा हूँ!खुदा जाने -- मैं मिट गया!खुदा जाने मैं खफा हूँ!की बन गयी हो तुम मेरी बुआ...."
This is the best thing that came out of watching that truly horrible movie, except the one below, which is a modification of one that one of my fellow punsters came out with:
What happens when a gaggle of dieting teenagers eats only light food?पचना ऐ हसीनों
One fine rakhi, he decided to make his neighbour his राखी बहन.
Now, the guy is supposed to give his sister a gift, so he gave her a house and half the जायदाद.
His kids were obviously very unhappy. They zoom down to their neighbour and express their frustration by way of song, हिन्दी फिलम इश्टाइल:
"खुदा जाने मैं खफा हूँ!खुदा जाने -- मैं मिट गया!खुदा जाने मैं खफा हूँ!की बन गयी हो तुम मेरी बुआ...."
This is the best thing that came out of watching that truly horrible movie, except the one below, which is a modification of one that one of my fellow punsters came out with:
What happens when a gaggle of dieting teenagers eats only light food?पचना ऐ हसीनों
Gautam Buddha and chocolate syrup
Son to mother: Uhhhh, Mom, can one get sick from eating too much chocolate syrup?
Mother: What? How much did you eat?
Son: Uhhh, too much, I think.
Mother (philosophically): Moderation in all things, son. Remember, Gautam Buddha also said the same thing so many centuries ago.
Son: Yes, but that was Gautam Buddha.
Mother (losing it): What are you? Glutton बुद्धू?
Overheard; such is real life.
Mother: What? How much did you eat?
Son: Uhhh, too much, I think.
Mother (philosophically): Moderation in all things, son. Remember, Gautam Buddha also said the same thing so many centuries ago.
Son: Yes, but that was Gautam Buddha.
Mother (losing it): What are you? Glutton बुद्धू?
Overheard; such is real life.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Lyrics inspired by Rock On
Since Aditya was such a 'Great Poet', I feel no shame in following in his footsteps. Here is my contribution to immortal Bollywood lyrics:
यह पानी इतना गीला क्यों?
सांप इतना ज़हरीला क्यों?
यह popcorn सीला सीला क्यों?
ऐसे ख़याल हमे आते क्यों?
बे-तुके गाने गाते क्यों?
दूसरों को सताते क्यों?
Movie में इतने ad क्यों?
यह lyrics इतने bad क्यों?
हम सब इतने sad क्यों?
A friend (MS) and I composed these lyrics on the spot in the first 5 minutes of the interval. How tough can it be to be a genius, anyway?
यह पानी इतना गीला क्यों?
सांप इतना ज़हरीला क्यों?
यह popcorn सीला सीला क्यों?
ऐसे ख़याल हमे आते क्यों?
बे-तुके गाने गाते क्यों?
दूसरों को सताते क्यों?
Movie में इतने ad क्यों?
यह lyrics इतने bad क्यों?
हम सब इतने sad क्यों?
A friend (MS) and I composed these lyrics on the spot in the first 5 minutes of the interval. How tough can it be to be a genius, anyway?
Monday, September 1, 2008
MCD aur Traffic Jam ki love story
MCD और Traffic Jam को love हो गया.
But, of course, this was a big secret.
One day, Traffic Jam reads in the paper that MCD 's माई-बाप (Delhi सरकार--you know) has declared that with the new flyovers being set up, there will be no more traffic jams.
Traffic Jam is very upset. Goes running and jumping to MCD and demands to know यह क्या हो रहा है?
MCD even more upset. मेरे सच्चे प्यार पे शक किया जा रहा है??
MCD ने कसम खाई, गाना गा के:
"तेरे बिन जी मेरा लागे कहीं ना।
तेरे बिन दिल मेरा लागे कहीं ना।
चार दिनों में,
सज्जा क्या खब्बा,*
लम्बी खुदाई... लम्बी खुदाई."
*Translation: These are Panjabi words: सज्जा means right, खब्बा means left.
MCD is the Municipal Corporation of Delhi.
But, of course, this was a big secret.
One day, Traffic Jam reads in the paper that MCD 's माई-बाप (Delhi सरकार--you know) has declared that with the new flyovers being set up, there will be no more traffic jams.
Traffic Jam is very upset. Goes running and jumping to MCD and demands to know यह क्या हो रहा है?
MCD even more upset. मेरे सच्चे प्यार पे शक किया जा रहा है??
MCD ने कसम खाई, गाना गा के:
"तेरे बिन जी मेरा लागे कहीं ना।
तेरे बिन दिल मेरा लागे कहीं ना।
चार दिनों में,
सज्जा क्या खब्बा,*
लम्बी खुदाई... लम्बी खुदाई."
*Translation: These are Panjabi words: सज्जा means right, खब्बा means left.
MCD is the Municipal Corporation of Delhi.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Request for privacy
A request to people who read this blog and say, "Heyyy, I know this person!"
Please do not shoot off my suspected identity to all and sundry. You could be wrong, you know; I might not be Big B after all. Even if you factor in a really good grammar checker.
And, anyway, I deny it all, already. SODDI*.
You can, of course, shoot off your suspicions about the identities of people whom I blog about, to whom you please. Big B included.
OK, Small B, too.
OK, Medium-sized B and Big C, too.
Bhajji, also.
Maaaan, some people are never satisfied.
* 'some other dude did it'. It's a legal term. No, I do not want to know what you thought it meant.
Please do not shoot off my suspected identity to all and sundry. You could be wrong, you know; I might not be Big B after all. Even if you factor in a really good grammar checker.
And, anyway, I deny it all, already. SODDI*.
You can, of course, shoot off your suspicions about the identities of people whom I blog about, to whom you please. Big B included.
OK, Small B, too.
OK, Medium-sized B and Big C, too.
Bhajji, also.
Maaaan, some people are never satisfied.
* 'some other dude did it'. It's a legal term. No, I do not want to know what you thought it meant.
My most famous joke, and comebacks
Bhajji ने Symonds को अपने मन की बात सुना दी।
और Symonds ने monkey बात सुन ली.
This is an old, old one (Jan 08), but went viral very fast, and reached the radio in less than a week (yeah, I did not get any royalties).
Thing is, I went around telling everybody I know this joke.
One of my friends, whose last name is Kaur, got very offended. "Are you making fun of my community??"
I was stunned speechless. Hesitantly, I asked, "I didn't know you were Australian...?"
(Snicker, snicker, snicker). I did warn you...
और Symonds ने monkey बात सुन ली.
This is an old, old one (Jan 08), but went viral very fast, and reached the radio in less than a week (yeah, I did not get any royalties).
Thing is, I went around telling everybody I know this joke.
One of my friends, whose last name is Kaur, got very offended. "Are you making fun of my community??"
I was stunned speechless. Hesitantly, I asked, "I didn't know you were Australian...?"
(Snicker, snicker, snicker). I did warn you...
Articles of Association and Dedication
Sounds grand, doesn't it?
So, here's the Mission and Vision Statement, just to up the grandness meter:
...
there, I sprained myself already.
What this blog is about:
This blog is a 'safe' outlet for the jokes and puns and awful metaphors I come up with, so that my friends and relatives can be happy that others in the wide world, too, have the opportunity to groan, cry, and have yet others restrain them, in turn, from strangling me. (Because now, others will want to do this, too -- obvious, yaar). You could say that I finally moved my bone lazy self to a computer to blog On Popular Demand.
So, here's the Dedication:
This blog is deadicated to all those who are dead of listening to my jokes, and all those whom I outran (thank you guys, for stopping to cry on the way, I don't run all that fast), and to those who have been telling me for the past month to get on with the blog (no, I don't believe those visions of multi-millionaire-hood, how stupid do you think I am? [don't answer that]). You know who you are. And you have nobody to blame but yourself.
Muwahahaha!
Articles of Dissociation aka What Are You In For:
I come up with about one new joke a week. ("Thank goodness," shout my friends and relatives, grateful it is no more than that.)
I'll start off with some old originals. If I can't think of something original in any week, or if I run across a truly super pun, I might post a joke I love. (Of course, I will mark these out; what do you think I am?) (Of course you will cry as hard).
You need to know English and Hindi to get the full flavour of these jokes. I will translate from other languages, if used.
So... Have Fun!
So, here's the Mission and Vision Statement, just to up the grandness meter:
...
there, I sprained myself already.
What this blog is about:
This blog is a 'safe' outlet for the jokes and puns and awful metaphors I come up with, so that my friends and relatives can be happy that others in the wide world, too, have the opportunity to groan, cry, and have yet others restrain them, in turn, from strangling me. (Because now, others will want to do this, too -- obvious, yaar). You could say that I finally moved my bone lazy self to a computer to blog On Popular Demand.
So, here's the Dedication:
This blog is deadicated to all those who are dead of listening to my jokes, and all those whom I outran (thank you guys, for stopping to cry on the way, I don't run all that fast), and to those who have been telling me for the past month to get on with the blog (no, I don't believe those visions of multi-millionaire-hood, how stupid do you think I am? [don't answer that]). You know who you are. And you have nobody to blame but yourself.
Muwahahaha!
Articles of Dissociation aka What Are You In For:
I come up with about one new joke a week. ("Thank goodness," shout my friends and relatives, grateful it is no more than that.)
I'll start off with some old originals. If I can't think of something original in any week, or if I run across a truly super pun, I might post a joke I love. (Of course, I will mark these out; what do you think I am?) (Of course you will cry as hard).
You need to know English and Hindi to get the full flavour of these jokes. I will translate from other languages, if used.
So... Have Fun!
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