"Name an international dessert."
"Simple! Global jamun."
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
मेहनत
एक ढीला आदमी था। काफी ढीला था। और ऊपर से शेखियां अलग बधारता था।
इत्तिफ़ाक़ से उसकी शादी एक ऐसी औरत से हुई जिसके कई मेहनती भाई थे। तो उसका काम चलता रहा। भाई लोग उन दोनों के लिय बहुत कुछ कर देते थे।
एक बार उसने भाइयों को ऐसा फुसलाया कि उन्होंने उन दोनों के लिए एक आलीशान घर खड़ा कर दिया।
जब लोगों ने उसे बधाई दी, तो उसने विनम्र स्वभाव दिखाया और कहा : "हाँ, कई सालों की मेहनत से बनाया है..."
इत्तिफ़ाक़ से उसकी शादी एक ऐसी औरत से हुई जिसके कई मेहनती भाई थे। तो उसका काम चलता रहा। भाई लोग उन दोनों के लिय बहुत कुछ कर देते थे।
एक बार उसने भाइयों को ऐसा फुसलाया कि उन्होंने उन दोनों के लिए एक आलीशान घर खड़ा कर दिया।
जब लोगों ने उसे बधाई दी, तो उसने विनम्र स्वभाव दिखाया और कहा : "हाँ, कई सालों की मेहनत से बनाया है..."
Marketing a new beer
A beer company decided to make a new beer, very modern and non-traditional. They looked at all the ingredients, and decided to keep with malted barley and water, but do away with hops, because the hops they used were very bitter.
The new beer proved to be much healthier, and they were confident that they had a winner on their hands.
However, after the new beer launched, it completely bombed in the market.
Why?
Customers said it was completely hopless.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
New web portal for mathematicians
The web portal for mathematicians has recently been revamped. Now the interface is more natural and intuitive. So you don't necessarily have to log in any more.
You can also ln in.
....
The section for trigonometricists has been upgraded, too. While most of it is open to all, some sections require you to sine in.
For example, the Financial section now gives you loans. Depending on the amount, you may need someone to cosine your application as guarantor.
The Travel section offers you nice summer packages in the Southern Hemisphere in the coming months, where you can get a nice tan.
Some of these are really cheap, but they don't have beds. They only have cots.
Lastly, the World Clock application allows you to see two time zones at the same time. It not only shows you all the secs, but the cosecs as well.
....
For other mathematicians, the Finance section has loans. This month's special is targeted at Indian mathematicians. This is a special loan in British currency, which requires them to pay less than they borrowed. It is called the Com-pound (कम-pound) Interest Loan. (I suspect there are hidden costs.)
....
There is a bakery that sells special mathematical foods online with special discounts for mathematicians coming from the portal.
You can get a simple Pi, or you can get the Equation special, which is twice the weight, since it is the Expansion of Pi.
Cylindrical cakes with square tops and etched icing are sold by volume, not weight. These are called Pi R-square Etch.
....
Then, there is the Entertainment section, which has just finished showing the Matrix movies, and is the only website to advertise the three together as The Matrices. (You can also get a good discount if you are really determinant.)
It is currently running the new late-night horror series with thin actors called Boo-lean Alge-bra. It's not suitable for kids. You really don't want to know what happened to Alge's underwear.
You can also ln in.
....
The section for trigonometricists has been upgraded, too. While most of it is open to all, some sections require you to sine in.
For example, the Financial section now gives you loans. Depending on the amount, you may need someone to cosine your application as guarantor.
The Travel section offers you nice summer packages in the Southern Hemisphere in the coming months, where you can get a nice tan.
Some of these are really cheap, but they don't have beds. They only have cots.
Lastly, the World Clock application allows you to see two time zones at the same time. It not only shows you all the secs, but the cosecs as well.
....
For other mathematicians, the Finance section has loans. This month's special is targeted at Indian mathematicians. This is a special loan in British currency, which requires them to pay less than they borrowed. It is called the Com-pound (कम-pound) Interest Loan. (I suspect there are hidden costs.)
....
There is a bakery that sells special mathematical foods online with special discounts for mathematicians coming from the portal.
You can get a simple Pi, or you can get the Equation special, which is twice the weight, since it is the Expansion of Pi.
Cylindrical cakes with square tops and etched icing are sold by volume, not weight. These are called Pi R-square Etch.
....
Then, there is the Entertainment section, which has just finished showing the Matrix movies, and is the only website to advertise the three together as The Matrices. (You can also get a good discount if you are really determinant.)
It is currently running the new late-night horror series with thin actors called Boo-lean Alge-bra. It's not suitable for kids. You really don't want to know what happened to Alge's underwear.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Why Kalmadi?
In Kannada, 'madi' means 'do'.
So what were they thinking when they gave the job of completing the CWG preparations to someone named Kal-madi?
So what were they thinking when they gave the job of completing the CWG preparations to someone named Kal-madi?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Kalmadi at the CWG
Britain's Princess Diana may have died in a car crash in 1997, but New Delhi Commonwealth Games supremo Suresh Kalmadi thanked her for being at the opening ceremony on Tuesday - TOI
We need Dope testing for the organisers...
We need Dope testing for the organisers...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Dusk - A Play in Three Acts
[Act 1, Scene 1: The corridors of a school. Enter, scene left, Bellcurve Swoon, the delicately calculating boyfriend hunter, not nearly as Normal as she pretends.]
Bellcurve (punching at a calculator): And adding in the day temperature, he should be entering the corridor... NOW!
[Enter scene right, Headbutt Sullen, a grumpy teen, slumping along looking at his feet. Bellcurve moves to position herself in his path. They collide. Headbutt falls.]
Bellcurve (in a high, giggly voice): Oh, Headbutt! This is the first time a boy has fallen for me. [Bats eyelids]
Headbutt (glazed eyes): One - nil for the home team.
Bellcurve: Huh?
[Enter scene right, lots of kids running past, shrieking. The corridor clears, leaving only J. Cobb, the pudgy son of a corn merchant]
J. Cobb (sing-song): Headbutt loves Bellcurve. Headbutt loves Bellcurve.
[Exit scene left, J. Cobb pursued by a yelling Headbutt. Bellcurve faints artistically.]
[Curtain]
[Act 2, Scene 1: The outskirts of a forest. Stage lightning. Enter scene left, J. Cobb, still chanting "Headbutt loves Bellcurve", chased by Headbutt.]
J. Cobb (halting and holding up a hand): Ok, stop! Enough! You're still my buddy, even if this is a vampire love-story.
Headbutt (scratching his head): So, who won? Brazil or Argentina?
J. Cobb: I think it was Switzerland.
Headbutt: NOOOOO! [whips off T-shirt and stamps on it]
[Enter scene right, Bellcurve. Stage lightning]
Bellcurve: It was a dark and stormy night when I ventured into the forest, in the footsteps of my true love.
[Bellcurve sees Headbutts without T-shirt, swoons again]
J. Cobb: Headbutt! She hates Football!
Headbutt (horrified): NOOOOO! [Exit Headbutt].
J. Cobb (rubbing hands, first his, then Bellcurve's): Bellcurve! He loves Football!
Bellcurve (leaps up hissing): Who is she?? I will suck her blood. [Exit Bellcurve]
J. Cobb: MUWAHAHAHA!
[Curtain]
[Act 3, Scene 1. Football stadium, stands full of fans. At centre, J. Cobb and Headbutt, in opposing jerseys, with an empty seat in between. The air is tense. Suddenly all leap up and yell, "GOOOOOAAAAAL"]
J. Cobb: Headbutt! Your team just went down Four - Nil!
Headbutt: Oh! [slumps]
[Sudden whistles off stage. Everybody looks left. Whooshing sound. A girl in black lipstick zooms across the stage. Everybody turns to follow her in slow motion. Yell of "GOOOAAAAAAL". The same thing happens thrice more.]
J. Cobb (horrified): NOOOOO!
Headbutt (slowly): My team drew! [counts fingers] Four - four!
J. Cobb: NOOOOO!
[Enter, stage left, Bellcurve. She sits in the empty seat.]
J. Cobb: It's the girl!
Headbutt: What girl? I love football.
[Bellcurve looks furious. She knocks down Headbutt and bites his neck. Headbutt collapses with open eyes. Bellcurve turns to J. Cobb]
Bellcurve: Hmph. Not much boyfriend material.
J. Cobb (counting points on fingers): Boy. Friendly.
Bellcurve: OK. [Suddenly suspicious] And what about this Football?
J. Cobb: Never! Never! Only you!
[Exit scene left, J. Cobb and Bellcurve, hand in hand. We see J. Cobb with fingers crossed. Suddenly, another cry of "GOOOAAAAAAL"]
J. Cobb: What? No! NOOOOOO!
[Curtain]
I wrote this one for a short-short story contest at the height of the World Cup frenzy, and don't know why I haven't put it here earlier. It's probably the world's shortest 3-act play.
Bellcurve (punching at a calculator): And adding in the day temperature, he should be entering the corridor... NOW!
[Enter scene right, Headbutt Sullen, a grumpy teen, slumping along looking at his feet. Bellcurve moves to position herself in his path. They collide. Headbutt falls.]
Bellcurve (in a high, giggly voice): Oh, Headbutt! This is the first time a boy has fallen for me. [Bats eyelids]
Headbutt (glazed eyes): One - nil for the home team.
Bellcurve: Huh?
[Enter scene right, lots of kids running past, shrieking. The corridor clears, leaving only J. Cobb, the pudgy son of a corn merchant]
J. Cobb (sing-song): Headbutt loves Bellcurve. Headbutt loves Bellcurve.
[Exit scene left, J. Cobb pursued by a yelling Headbutt. Bellcurve faints artistically.]
[Curtain]
[Act 2, Scene 1: The outskirts of a forest. Stage lightning. Enter scene left, J. Cobb, still chanting "Headbutt loves Bellcurve", chased by Headbutt.]
J. Cobb (halting and holding up a hand): Ok, stop! Enough! You're still my buddy, even if this is a vampire love-story.
Headbutt (scratching his head): So, who won? Brazil or Argentina?
J. Cobb: I think it was Switzerland.
Headbutt: NOOOOO! [whips off T-shirt and stamps on it]
[Enter scene right, Bellcurve. Stage lightning]
Bellcurve: It was a dark and stormy night when I ventured into the forest, in the footsteps of my true love.
[Bellcurve sees Headbutts without T-shirt, swoons again]
J. Cobb: Headbutt! She hates Football!
Headbutt (horrified): NOOOOO! [Exit Headbutt].
J. Cobb (rubbing hands, first his, then Bellcurve's): Bellcurve! He loves Football!
Bellcurve (leaps up hissing): Who is she?? I will suck her blood. [Exit Bellcurve]
J. Cobb: MUWAHAHAHA!
[Curtain]
[Act 3, Scene 1. Football stadium, stands full of fans. At centre, J. Cobb and Headbutt, in opposing jerseys, with an empty seat in between. The air is tense. Suddenly all leap up and yell, "GOOOOOAAAAAL"]
J. Cobb: Headbutt! Your team just went down Four - Nil!
Headbutt: Oh! [slumps]
[Sudden whistles off stage. Everybody looks left. Whooshing sound. A girl in black lipstick zooms across the stage. Everybody turns to follow her in slow motion. Yell of "GOOOAAAAAAL". The same thing happens thrice more.]
J. Cobb (horrified): NOOOOO!
Headbutt (slowly): My team drew! [counts fingers] Four - four!
J. Cobb: NOOOOO!
[Enter, stage left, Bellcurve. She sits in the empty seat.]
J. Cobb: It's the girl!
Headbutt: What girl? I love football.
[Bellcurve looks furious. She knocks down Headbutt and bites his neck. Headbutt collapses with open eyes. Bellcurve turns to J. Cobb]
Bellcurve: Hmph. Not much boyfriend material.
J. Cobb (counting points on fingers): Boy. Friendly.
Bellcurve: OK. [Suddenly suspicious] And what about this Football?
J. Cobb: Never! Never! Only you!
[Exit scene left, J. Cobb and Bellcurve, hand in hand. We see J. Cobb with fingers crossed. Suddenly, another cry of "GOOOAAAAAAL"]
J. Cobb: What? No! NOOOOOO!
[Curtain]
I wrote this one for a short-short story contest at the height of the World Cup frenzy, and don't know why I haven't put it here earlier. It's probably the world's shortest 3-act play.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Yours and mine
Once, a couple went on an India tour. With them were their children, and both the children's grandmothers. Taking her mother was the husband's idea, and the wife had suggested taking his mother.
On the way, his mother found the strange cities uncomfortable, and became quite cranky. The man got very upset, but what could he say? It was his mother being crabby after all!
For some days, he bore it in silence, but then he couldn't stand it any more. He couldn't say anything to his mother, so he flared up at his wife instead: "See how well-behaved my mother-in-law is? Yours is nothing but trouble!"
On the way, his mother found the strange cities uncomfortable, and became quite cranky. The man got very upset, but what could he say? It was his mother being crabby after all!
For some days, he bore it in silence, but then he couldn't stand it any more. He couldn't say anything to his mother, so he flared up at his wife instead: "See how well-behaved my mother-in-law is? Yours is nothing but trouble!"
मेरी तेरी
एक दम्पति भारत दर्शन के लिए निकल पड़ा। साथ थे उनके बच्चे, और बच्चों की दादी और नानी। नानी को ले जाने की आदमी ने ठानी थी, और दादी को ले जाने का उनकी पत्नी का सुझाव था।
नए शहरों में दादी को काफी तकलीफ हुई, और वह चिड़-चिड़ी हो गयीं। कुछ देर के बाद आदमी से अपनी माँ का व्यव्हार सहा नहीं गया। कहते तो क्या कहते? हरकतें तो उन्ही की माँ कर रही थीं।
कुछ दिनों तक चुप रहे, पर फिर अपने को रोक न पाए। माँ को तो कुछ कह न सके, पत्नी पर बरस पड़े: "देखो! मेरी सास कितनी शांति से चल रही है - तुम्हारी सास हमें कितना तंग कर रही है!"
नए शहरों में दादी को काफी तकलीफ हुई, और वह चिड़-चिड़ी हो गयीं। कुछ देर के बाद आदमी से अपनी माँ का व्यव्हार सहा नहीं गया। कहते तो क्या कहते? हरकतें तो उन्ही की माँ कर रही थीं।
कुछ दिनों तक चुप रहे, पर फिर अपने को रोक न पाए। माँ को तो कुछ कह न सके, पत्नी पर बरस पड़े: "देखो! मेरी सास कितनी शांति से चल रही है - तुम्हारी सास हमें कितना तंग कर रही है!"
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Girls, boys, and other kids
Overheard this conversation yesterday:
She: "Growing kids need cholesterol. It's only bad for adults."
He: "Till what age do they need cholesterol?"
She: "Till they are growing. 25 for boys, 20 for girls, I guess."
He: "Hmm. And what about kids?"
She: "Growing kids need cholesterol. It's only bad for adults."
He: "Till what age do they need cholesterol?"
She: "Till they are growing. 25 for boys, 20 for girls, I guess."
He: "Hmm. And what about kids?"
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
आज का खाना
आज दफतर में दोपहर के खाने के लिए जब कैन्टीन गए, तो देखा कि सब लोग रोटी-सब्जी खा रहे थे, पर मेघा केवल आम खा रही थी। मुँह से निकला: "रोज़ तो मेघा ख़ास खाना खाती है, आज वह आम खाना खा रही है..."
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Flowers for funerals
Person at funeral: Why are lilies always so popular at funerals?
Botanist: Because they are moan-ocots.
Botanist: Because they are moan-ocots.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Running for the last bus
There was this dedicated computer engineer, who used to sit and work really late. He'd got into the habit of catching the last bus home. Often, he used to almost miss it, and had to run really fast to the bus stop to catch it.
Now, one fine day, the timings for the last bus were changed.
Our man, being a dedicated engineer, forgot about this change. So, one night, he ran out as usual to the bus stop. When he reached there--no bus.
"Rats!" he muttered. "I've lost connectivity to the bus because of a run-time error."
The next day, he came to work in running shoes instead of his usual sandals.
"After all," he mused, "re-booting is known to fix run-time errors."
Credits: Thanks to DS for suggesting the fix!
Now, one fine day, the timings for the last bus were changed.
Our man, being a dedicated engineer, forgot about this change. So, one night, he ran out as usual to the bus stop. When he reached there--no bus.
"Rats!" he muttered. "I've lost connectivity to the bus because of a run-time error."
The next day, he came to work in running shoes instead of his usual sandals.
"After all," he mused, "re-booting is known to fix run-time errors."
Credits: Thanks to DS for suggesting the fix!
Monday, March 22, 2010
My first poll
So, I ran this poll recently:
What do you think of the jokes on this blog?
Now, if only there was more than one response....
Sorry, people, the book is unlikely to be released any time soon.
But enjoy the horrible one-liners below.
What do you think of the jokes on this blog?
- Fantastic! I laughed my head off. When is the book coming out?
- Really good. I tell them to my friends and pretend they are mine
- Good enough. I plan to bookmark this blog if I remember where I found it the next time I remember it
- Pretty sad jokes. I tell them to my friends, after all, why should I suffer alone?
- Really bad. I tell them to my enemies so that they die on the spot.
Now, if only there was more than one response....
Sorry, people, the book is unlikely to be released any time soon.
But enjoy the horrible one-liners below.
Formal vs. informal dressing
Formal vs. informal dressing: some are pro-tie, and some are just untie.
Google Engineer's brainchild
How does a Google Engineer introduce his/her new brainchild to the world?
"Hi, this is my beta!"
"Hi, this is my beta!"
More Six Sigma One-liners
More six-sigma one-liners for the statistically inclined...
When unsure about what to do with the data, use simpler data.
When unsure about what to do with the data, use a giant flowchart.
When unsure about what to do with the data, test it to destruction.
When unsure about what to do with the data, formulate a good hypothesis.
Have plan B ready: formulate an alternate hypothesis, too.
If you are too confident (an alpha person), prepare for errors.
Less than 95% is underconfident.
Hal Varian quote - If you torture the data long enough, it will reveal whatever you want it to show.
Quote from my friend Suri: When unsure about data, get more data till every one is as unsure of it as you are!
Q: If Z is 1.96, what's the risk?
A: Arre beta, it's alpha.
Examples and causes -- ex and why variables.
Why are some variables called 'x' variables?
They are called 'x's' because there is an excess of them....
Equality is a null hypothesis.
Hmm, so is the alternative one-up-manship?
Fault Tree: The sacrificial plant deep in the forest, that takes all the blame.
TIM WOOD knows all about it...
Lean six-sigma: Will soon be 4.5 sigma due to prolonged dieting.
Lean six-sigma (sing to the right tune): what you want, where you want, when you want and how you want it...
Takt time: diplomatically finish things in due time.
When unsure about what to do with the data, use simpler data.
When unsure about what to do with the data, use a giant flowchart.
When unsure about what to do with the data, test it to destruction.
When unsure about what to do with the data, formulate a good hypothesis.
Have plan B ready: formulate an alternate hypothesis, too.
If you are too confident (an alpha person), prepare for errors.
Less than 95% is underconfident.
Hal Varian quote - If you torture the data long enough, it will reveal whatever you want it to show.
Quote from my friend Suri: When unsure about data, get more data till every one is as unsure of it as you are!
Q: If Z is 1.96, what's the risk?
A: Arre beta, it's alpha.
Examples and causes -- ex and why variables.
Why are some variables called 'x' variables?
They are called 'x's' because there is an excess of them....
Equality is a null hypothesis.
Hmm, so is the alternative one-up-manship?
Fault Tree: The sacrificial plant deep in the forest, that takes all the blame.
TIM WOOD knows all about it...
Lean six-sigma: Will soon be 4.5 sigma due to prolonged dieting.
Lean six-sigma (sing to the right tune): what you want, where you want, when you want and how you want it...
Takt time: diplomatically finish things in due time.
Late for meetings
What do you say if someone calls to say they will be late for a meeting?
See you later.
See you later.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Waking up kids
Mother: Wake up, son.
Son: Mmm.
Mother: Are you awake, son?
Son: Mm-mm.
Mother, in sing-song voice: If you're awake, son, show me some open eyes.
Son (eyes tightly shut), muttering: There's a mirror on the wall there...
Son: Mmm.
Mother: Are you awake, son?
Son: Mm-mm.
Mother, in sing-song voice: If you're awake, son, show me some open eyes.
Son (eyes tightly shut), muttering: There's a mirror on the wall there...
Some six-sigma one-liners
These ones are for the statistically or six-sigma inclined people out there.*
Statistics: The art of taking decisions in the face of uncertainty.
In the ongoing battle between Variable data and Attribute data, Variable data is still winning. Yes or no?
Degrees of freedom: They can have any color they want, so long as it is black -- Henry Ford on colors of the Model-T
Normal distributions are all alike; every non-normal distribution is non-normal in its own way. -- Anna Karenina version of distribution functions
Examples and causes -- ex and why variables.
Elitism in causation: some causes are special, some are merely common.
* If you're inclined at 6-sigma, there is only 3.4 chances in a million that you will not be straightened out some time.
Statistics: The art of taking decisions in the face of uncertainty.
In the ongoing battle between Variable data and Attribute data, Variable data is still winning. Yes or no?
Degrees of freedom: They can have any color they want, so long as it is black -- Henry Ford on colors of the Model-T
Normal distributions are all alike; every non-normal distribution is non-normal in its own way. -- Anna Karenina version of distribution functions
Examples and causes -- ex and why variables.
Elitism in causation: some causes are special, some are merely common.
* If you're inclined at 6-sigma, there is only 3.4 chances in a million that you will not be straightened out some time.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
बच्चों को जगाना
माँ (बच्चे से): उठो, बेटा।
बेटा: हूँ
माँ: उठो बेटा।
बेटा: ऊँहूँ
माँ: उठ गया, बेटा?
बेटा: हूँ
माँ: उठ गया तो ज़रा खुली आँखें दिखा
बेटा (आँखें कसके बंद की हुई): दीवार पर आईना है न, देख लो...
बेटा: हूँ
माँ: उठो बेटा।
बेटा: ऊँहूँ
माँ: उठ गया, बेटा?
बेटा: हूँ
माँ: उठ गया तो ज़रा खुली आँखें दिखा
बेटा (आँखें कसके बंद की हुई): दीवार पर आईना है न, देख लो...
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